The Daily Lives of Two (Very) Dead Men

By: Remus Eaton

Dead Man #1, Entry 1

Let me first begin my story (or, as a certain somebody is reminding me, ours) with a statement. The American legal system decrees that all suspects are innocent unless proven guilty. I have never before been sentenced to an official court hearing, both in the living realm and outside of it. Therefore, I am, theoretically, innocent. Right?

Now, let us begin. A long time ago, in the far away land of Castonia, there lived a fairy princess. The fairy princess, in all her might, cast out (how ironic) her fair, unsuspecting suitor from her wonderful, joy-filled land. She then banished her suitor to the mortal world, where he crumpled up into a tiny ball and cried tears of sorrow. That’s how the Great Lakes were made.

Jeese. You’re still reading this after that pile of hogwash? Your eyes must be hanging out of their sockets. If not, I can make them. Also, congratulations. You deserve a round of applause. You’ve just made it (how, I don’t know) through my daily dose of meaningless droning intended to kill you. I’m not kidding. Or am I?

Once again, I’m being shot glares by my significant other. Oh well. This pen is almost out of ink. I’ll be right back.

***

Did you enjoy the fancy dots? They’re my signature mark. It’s yet another thing said significant other disapproves of. This was his idea by away. This...this journal thing. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Anyway, laughs aside, you can call me It, with a capital I. It as in: It, the bringer of doom. It, the shadow behind every curtain. It, the plague that haunts you on your deathbed. It, the boogeyman (when I’m assigned to children cases). It, the voice of despair in your head. You get the point. I won’t bore you any longer. Have you guessed who I am yet?

That’s right (it’s impossible not to get the correct answer). I’m a demon, head servant to the devil himself. I wouldn’t recommend it as your day job. Horn’s aren’t always practical. Although, it does come with some perks. Great benefits. Early retirement (if you feel like living in Hell). Endless (and I do mean endless) fun. What more could a man ask for?

I’m a human (in a way) just like you. I eat. I sleep. I wake up. I kill. Oh wait...kill. Yeah...now that I think about it, I doubt you guys just do that for your day job. That’s the only thing that separates you from me. Honestly.

Well, it’s getting late. I’ll stop writing for now. I’m actually started to like this whole diary thing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to tell you something important. And divulge part of my story, since that didn’t seem happen tonight. My bad.

Anyway...my significant other is waiting impatiently for me to make dinner. He’s in for it. I just picked up hot tomatitos. C-YA! (It’s a phrase I heard on one of my television shows not long ago. I like it. Who cares if it’s outdated. Perhaps it will become our thing. Who knows.)